Dear Dad,

If only you could hear me right now. Im sending you this letter in hopes that some day it will reach you. I always think that your off at work or gone on a trip for a really long time, That way I know that every things ok. I know you love me and wish that I could hear you say it, along with you coping me saying " Oh what ever" .
Lady is shedding again and her hair is EVERY WHERE! Her joints are getting weak and she is starting to limp. I let her sleep on your bed while your gone. That is the only place she really falls in to a deep sleep.
I have a lot more to say but I can hardly keep my eyes open. Life with out you is literally suffocating me. But I guess thats the same way you pass on.

I love you SOOOO MUCH and I will write you soon.

p.s.
Oh I was just thinking that I will be 21 Yay. I never had a drink with you ever! I wish we did.

Like you always said to me
"My god bless you have sweet dreams"
Please come back dad I need you...

I know..

Jan/11/10
Sadly everything makes sense, once I get it all out and have someone hear it.
I UNDERSTAND!!! . . . Its just so hard right now. But please, when will someone understand me. If I yell "HELP" loud enough will that work? The only time in life when I TRULY need you, The only time I truly understand and know what is right in life.

Support.
Help me not to fall to deep, In all that we have been through,we can survive this time together.
I cant do it alone.

Understand.
There is more to this then you will ever know, This might be the growing point for us.
I am not only one that will benefit in the end.

Believe.
There is always good in everything.

Believe in me, us and this time in life.

Dear Shamus,

I just found out how depressing it is to be in the city with out seeing you. I feel like my life has come to a stand still and that every one else is moving around me, while I'm frozen stiff! I feel like I've lost so much and yet I'm still being punished for something Ive yet to find out what it is! I know in my heart I'm trying to hold together as best as I can and that I never knew that I could be this strong alone. Through all this I wonder how someone can go through this alone, with no one to understand or be there with you. Is that wrong to need a friend that knows you inside and out? Or is it wrong to feel that for once In your life you really know what you need even if its someone to be by your side? I feel like I'm going to tear my head in two trying to see that what I'm doing is right, Or if I should be feeling this way. I some times feel like I'm lost and have no sense of direction, and you say That the only way to life is to be alone. But then why do people have the instinct to be with other people? At the same time you of all people are the only one that makes me understand, and believes in me. Going through all this, all I'm asking for is that someone please help do this with me. Please don't leave me to decay in my own soul and mind. This is one thing in life where I please need you to hold my hand and the one time in life where I know what I need ...

Im off to bed thinking of what tomorrow is going to bring me. Cant be all that bad right? Maybe it will turn out better then I think. I just need to get away from here for a few and unwind! Every thing is bugging me more and more each day so I think a brake from it all would be good. But I am going to wait on a sign in sheet for breakfast in SF tomorrow. Probably for a half hour, But in hopes that I will be meet by a friend that has a 50/50 chance of even showing up! Hope All is well for every one and that tomorrow brings us ALL a good day!!

Good night!

First blog

I have been trying to find a way that I can get my feelings and thoughts out. I guess this is one of the best ways to help myself, Kinda like free therapy (because I can't afford it!).
Lets see were should I start.. Ok Well about my self,

HI, my name is Elaina Arvizu. I live with and help support my mom, I have my life long best friend named Lady (My dog) and my bird named Robo, that says hello to me every morning. But here's the catch! My dad passed away last year on May 16th. I'm living and I'm 100 times stronger then I thought I would be. I only wish I could know that the way I'm doing and handling every thing, is the right way.

I'm I dealing with this the right way?

Could I deal with this better then I am?

Is it okay to be depressed over this?

The questions make me stay up at night and sometimes not sleep for days even with work.
I wish last year never brought such dreadful things into my life...